Letting Go of Self and Holding So Much More

There are many times in life that we become distracted by our own thoughts, desires, and circumstances. We see things in a perspective that revolves around ourselves. Sometimes, we desire things that maybe aren't bad or selfish at all, but it isn't the right time or place for them to happen; or they just simply do not happen. Very recently, God has pressed hard on my heart that when I lay down my desires (good or bad) and accept what he has for me, I am able to love and serve. I am able to pursue Christ with my whole heart no matter how I am feeling, and I am able to be fully invested in my relationships.

Last week, Noah and I headed to Ridge Haven, NC to serve as leaders at student camp. I was the leader for the fifth-grade girls and a few sixth and seventh graders were in my group as well. I am grateful for the faithfulness of each speaker that spoke the truth straight from God's Word. I am thankful for the sweet group of girls I had the opportunity to lead. I know God worked and moved at camp! Praise the Lord for all he is doing in the Church!

As we prepared for camp, and as we were there, the call of ministry on my life and Noah's life was very evident. I am so excited about it, but also I am beginning to learn that only the Lord can carry us through it. I feel extremely thankful for a man who seeks the Lord's will and loves me as Christ loves the Church. I am thankful for Christ showing me that it is okay to be in great need of God, because I know that's where I truly desire to be. It's very sweet to know that this new adventure is a part of God's plan, and we get to share it together never knowing what God has next. I am beyond thankful. There are many areas that the Lord is gracefully teaching me about in ministry right now, and I know He will always lead me and teach me about something.

One of the large things God began to show me at the beginning of the week was that I needed to trust Him with what He is calling me to do. I think often times throughout the transition from student to leader, I have felt that it has hindered my spiritual growth. I think we can feel this way about any new thing or season God calls us into. Change can be difficult and instead of fully embracing it, I was only half embracing it with a doubtful heart. It's like when you haven't fully gotten into the water at the beach because it's cold and you're doubting whether it's a good idea or not when really God is saying: "just jump all the way into what i'm calling you to and I will show you how to handle the cold and how to handle the waves." God revealed to me that I needed to trust him with where He places me, whether I am leading other people or being lead. God wants me to grow and that's why He leads me to do the things He calls me to (even when they seem unstable from my perspective). As the week went on at camp, I felt myself being tempted to stumble into temptation about believing the lies of insecurity. Was I doing it right? Was I leading in the right way? Was I supporting Noah in the right way? Was I getting the support I needed...and if not, why not? As I led, my heart was very heavy. I could feel the weight of my unfulfilled desires, worries, and the intense spiritual battle. The next thing God began to show me was that in order to live a life of freedom and love, I need to lay down my desires and feelings and accept the ways God leads me. Choosing that throughout the week of camp was so difficult. As humans we are naturally focused towards ourselves. Until we draw near to God, we will not put our desires and feelings down. We will focus on them, fight for them, compromise for them, and find ourselves empty again. Then we become exhausted and blame God for the ways that we "feel" and for our unfulfilled desires.

Hannah Anderson writes in her book, Humble Roots,

"'God is greater than our heart. And suddenly you see how humility frees us. Because God's judgment is paramount, I do not have to worry about my friends judgment (or anyone's judgement) of me. Instead of responding out of anger, I can rest in God's judgment of me through Christ. Instead of responding to the pain of being misunderstood, I can rest in the fact that God understands me even better than I understand myself. And instead of rushing around to convince everyone of my upstanding character, I can rest in God's ability to vindicate (or correct) me. And suddenly I am freed from anger, pain, and fear. Suddenly I am free to respond to difficult circumstances from a place of control and grace."

When we fall in love with who God is and let Him change us, we will be able to see more than just ourselves.

We are able to live out one of the greatest commandments:

"'And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this: 'you shall love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no other commandment greater than these." (Mark 12:30-31.)

These verses declare the basis for how we should live. We are to love God and love others. We cannot love others until we love God, and we cannot love God until we let go of self. In order to let go of yourself, you have to have trust God fully.

A Gospel centered life cannot have me in the center too, and if I am being honest, I am miserable and unfulfilled when I focus on myself. As Christ calls me to lay down my heart before Him and follow Him, that is what I desire. Another thing is instead of focusing on what I feel and desire, God calls me to focus on what I already have. Thankfulness is a beautiful key that opens doors to areas of your heart you probably didn't even think were possible!